Intro:

As a survivor of sexual child abuse, I had an enormous amount of deeply buried, ancient rage. Recently, much of this anger has risen to the surface of my psyche, like lava shooting up from the depths of my volcano heart. Consequently, I have been thinking about anger a lot, about its potentials and dangers, about how it can be used as a tool of transformation.

Article body:

I have spent much time and energy repressing my own anger. Now that it is surfacing, I must give voice to it. I have such rage at my father and at the men I know who have committed acts of sexual violence. Part of me wants them dead. Part of me even wants them to experience the same agony, violation, and trauma they caused in others. It is precisely this type of anger, this desire for vengeance, which led my father to abuse me. He could not feel his anger at his own abuser and did not express this anger. He directed it towards me rather than towards his abuser or those forces which create and enable sexual violence.

I know well the harm that misdirected anger can cause. I also know that the very emotion that caused so much harm has been an integral part of my survival, my healing, and my resistance to systems of oppression.

Anger is often linked with fire. Fire can be used for cooking food and reshaping metal, but also for torture and killing. Like fire, anger has enormous potential for both creation and destruction. Anger can lead to creative inspiration, to violence, and to personal and social transformation.

Above all, anger seeks change. Therefore, anger can be a powerful ally for those of us who seek profound changes in our societies. We need to ask ourselves: what roles could anger play in dismantling the current structures that cause so much damage in our world, like corporate globalization? What roles could it play in the creation of another world?

If anger has such powerful potential to transform, how do the forces that sustain and recreate the current system contain this intense emotion? First, emotions in general are devalued and invalidated in many social spaces. Anger is often repressed and silenced, or accepted only when it is expressed in self-destructive ways. Within our society, women are especially encouraged to be detached from their anger.

Anger is also often misdirected. The interlocking systems of oppression and hierarchy create a situation in which most individuals are above someone else, and so anger can be defused horizontally or downwards without challenging the structure itself. I wonder about the role of the anger of those in privileged positions. Perhaps they misdirect their anger from the system itself (which cannot provide them with true satisfaction) downwards towards the people “beneath” them and thus the cycle continues. It is important to consider the role of anger in those with privilege, as most of us are privileged in some aspects and oppressed in others. If more people living in our oppressive structure were in touch with their anger and were able to direct it at both the forces sustaining the structure and the structure itself, massive change would be possible.

I am learning to direct my anger where it belongs, towards my father and towards the many forces which create and perpetuate sexual violence. Those forces are inextricably bound up with the forces creating global capitalism, patriarchy and white supremacy. I am learning to use my anger as a tool of transformation, to destroy rape culture and to create a world without sexual violence. I have used my anger to create a song of change. This song comes from my anger, my compassion, my hope, and many stories that I have been blessed to hear.

I yearn for justice. I am not speaking of retributive justice, but restorative justice. My true desire is not for my father to be imprisoned but for him to be set free from the cage of denial which has swallowed his heart. I want him to heal, to face his internal monsters, to share his story with other perpetrators and potential perpetrators, to offer them another path with his example.

I want to see pavement ripped up to make room for community gardens. I want to see older people integrated into communities and honored for their wisdom. I want to hear people declare that the long term health of themselves, their descendants, and the ancient, ongoing dance of the trees, the bees, the birds, the clouds, and the deep water is worth more than any amount of money.

I want to see churches become a space, for one night, for the voices they have too often silenced; I want to hear the righteous anger of those abused by priests and parents echoing from the stained glass. I want to witness women at the pulpit reading from the sacred texts of their own lives, sharing their own irreplaceable experiences and insights. I want to see queer people talking about the heavens of bliss they have found in their holy pagan bodies.

I see my anger witnessed and understood. I see the buried, frozen lava-rage pouring forth from the chambers of my volcano heart. I see the lava cooling in the vast, compassionate waters of the ocean. I see the lava transforming into islands, into new places for life to grow. I see green, I see fruit ripening. I see vines twining through the chambers of my heart.

I see vines cracking up through the pavement.

Author bio:
Willow Aerin Fagan is a writer, activist, and witch living in Ann Arbor, Michigan. He wants to be an anti-capitalist when he grows up. Write him at gaias.eye(at)gmail.com